How Things Change

Blueberry is gone. My Grandpa died last Saturday and my parents left Sunday morning to make the trek to Utah for the funeral. Blueberry went with them. They will be home sometime Monday. This is the first time in six years that I have had an entire week all to myself. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

So far, I haven't cooked supper all week. If I get hungry I just raid the cereal cabinet. Love me some cereal. Blueberry? Not so much. She needs actual supper food. Every night.

I have been able to get at least an extra half hour of sleep every morning. I forgot what it was like to just have to get myself ready for work. There are no tears, no repeating myself eleventy billion times to find shoes, brush teeth, etc. It's just me, getting ready in peace and quiet.

One evening I came home, changed into comfy clothes, and did absolutely nothing the whole night. Well, not exactly nothing I guess. I did play on the computer, ate my cereal, and read a book. Compared to what my evenings are normally like, I did nothing.

Tomorrow I get to go to St. Cloud, have dinner, do a little shopping and I don't have to worry about what time I get home or feel guilty that I'm keeping Blueberry out too late on a school night.

Really, this list could go on and on. There are so many things that I don't get to do anymore, or that are a lot harder to do, because of my "mom" status. There are a lot of sacrifices that have been made over the years, some I wasn't even hardly aware of making, others too big to miss. When I found out Blueberry was on her way, I couldn't imagine what life would be like. Because of choices I had made, the path I was headed down wasn't good. I knew some things in my life needed to change, I wanted some things to change, however, having a baby was NOT the change I had in mind.

Change is like that though. We fear it. We fight it. We do everything we can to keep things the way they are, to stay in our comfort zone. We think that what we know is safe, that it is easy and most of the time it probably is. Safe because we don't have to be vulnerable. Safe because we don't have to learn something new. Safe because we don't have to sacrifice or compromise. It didn't take very long after Blueberry was born for me to start to wonder what I ever did without her. It was hard to remember what my life had been like before she entered the picture, but life wasn't easy. I tend to be very selfish by nature and it wasn't always easy to make sacrifices and compromises for someone else. As unprepared as I thought I was for my entire life to shift in a new direction, I now can't imagine it any other way.

There is nothing better than being greeted at the end of the day by that little person who doesn't see your faults and who loves you unconditionally. There are difficult days, and with the difficulties there is always the reminder that all types of relationships can be hard. All relationships require sacrifice and compromise and most relationships will bring changes into our lives that we can't even begin to comprehend, but none of those things should be feared. It is the people and the changes they may bring that make us better human beings if we let them. This week, I will continue to get a little taste of the "freedom" I gave up when I became a mom, and I will enjoy it. However, come Monday, I will gladly give it all up again and embrace the changes that are yet to come for both of us.