Christmas = Major Stress

Warning:  This post is going to be full of my stressed out whining.  Read at your own risk!

This year Christmas has been very different for me.  Growing up Christmas was never about presents.  It was about getting together and spending time with family.  Every year we would go to my mom's sisters house where their other sister would meet as well and we'd all spend a few days together.  Usually Christmas day we'd go to a natural hot springs to swim and water slide.  The rest of the time was spent playing games, laughing til we cried, grazing on the mountains of snacks that were laid out. It was cozy and nice and I have wonderful memories of those times.  We never exchanged gifts.  My parents would usually get us kids one or two small things but honestly, I don't remember the gifts we received.  I remember the family time.

This year I am spending Christmas with SV's family.  They exchange gifts.  I had seven people to buy for.  Not a ton but still, on a single mom budget it is huge.  Plus it is Blueberry's birthday at the end of the month.  Needless to say my stress level has reached code red.  SV even made the comment last night that I've been really moody lately.  I know I have been.  I can feel the crabbiness bubbling at the surface and it doesn't take much to set me off these days.  I hate that feeling.  I hate that I can feel my anxiety rearing its ugly head and the miracle meds are not helping.  I hate wondering if I'm even going to have enough money to spend on Blueberry's birthday.  Most of all I hate that the anticipation of spending time with family and being cozy has been lost by all the stress of wondering how money is going to magically appear to pay for everything.  For the record, SV offered to buy the gifts for me but I guess I'm too proud.  Or something.  I just don't feel right about putting my name on gifts that he's paid for and passing them off as my own. 

It'll be fine.  Eventually.  Once we are there and everyone is together I'll feel better (hopefully) and in a few months this will all be a distant memory.  Until then I will try to keep breathing and just focus on the fact that I have a week of vacation next week.  I will read a book.  Spend time with SV and Blueberry and make new memories.  Right now I just need to keep reminding myself that life is good, I'm in lurve, I'm getting married, I have a beautiful, healthy little girl, I have a roof over my head and food on the table.  Things could always be worse.  After all, it's just money and as my dad always said, "you can't take it with you anyway".