Public Service Letter

Dear Sir,

I feel compelled to give you a small tip about the way you left your house today. I know that when you look in the mirror, and are dazzled by the stunning beauty you are beholding, it is easy to forget you have a backside. In spite of this, I would strongly encourage you to take a quick glance at what may be bringing up your rear.

I realize baggy pants that ride six or more inches below your waist are somewhat cool and hip. I also realize, having boxer shorts hanging out the top of your jeans is considered sexy in some circles. I do not believe, however, that butt cleavage is sexy in any circle. I sympathize with the fact that you have gotten older, and certain body parts do not look the same, nor do they hang the same, as they did 20, 30 or even 40 years ago. When I am walking behind you, I would rather not have two cheeks waving hello to me. (Seriously, can you not feel the draft?) When you sit in a vinyl chair I do not want to have to think about the particles being left behind for some poor unsuspecting soul to sit in after you peel those cheeks off the seat. (Doesn't the un-peeling of the cheeks feel a little like a band-aid being ripped off?)

I am not sure you are aware of this little fact, but the loops on the waist of your jeans actually serve a purpose. No, not just to hang your keys from, not just to loop your fingers through and give them a place to hang out. No, they are really there to hold something called a belt. What is a belt, you ask? It is a handy dandy device that will hold your pants up when they will no longer fit over your cute little pot belly. It is quite simple to attach, will only take a few seconds out of your day, and everyone who has the opportunity to be in your presence will thank you a million times over. Belts come in all sizes, colors, and styles. You can even accessorize them with amazing buckles if you are into that sort of thing. They can be purchased at any major department store, even come convenience stores, and are relatively inexpensive. (Far more inexpensive then the lobotomy I will need to erase the image of walking behind you.)

Try the belt. I promise, when you look at your back side in the mirror, you will be amazed. No longer will there be two cheeks hanging out of the confines of your pants, competing to see which side can produce the most cleavage! You might even be surprised to notice people look you in the eye and the little old lady you've been eyeing in the waiting room... she just might say yes to that cup of coffee!

Sincerely,
The Belt Patrol